Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Is there an award for Mom of the Year out there?

Someone should nominate me! Here’s my application essay:

Dear Judges of the Mom of the Year Contest,
I’m really good at taking care of my kids, as you can see from the following three examples.
  1. When they tell me they are starving, I say, “If you were really starving, you’d be too weak to tell me about it.” My kids do what all tweens do and show me Wikipedia (where you can always find the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth…), which says, “early symptoms of starvation include impulsivity, irritability, hyperactivity and possibly submissiveness.”
    1. Those are symptoms I've noticed in each of them since they were born, so maybe they really are starving.
    2. However, I’ve found that if they’re hungry, they eat dinner much better than if they're already stuffed with chips and cookies. And when I give them healthy stuff (such as broccoli) to snack on while I cook, they think they're being sneaky, eating before dinner. So starvation isn't such a bad thing after all.
  2. When they complain that they ran out of clean socks, I check their sibling’s drawers to find socks. If those drawers are empty, too, they get to wear my fancy woman-socks to school.
    1. Then I consider teaching them to wash their own socks. You know the old Chinese proverb, “When you give a kid clean socks, he’ll just get them dirty again and need more clean socks. When you teach him to wash his own socks, it’s not your problem anymore.”
    2. But I guess I need to wait until more of them can actually reach the buttons on the machines before this proverb can be fulfilled.
  3. When my son complained for an entire year about his bad eyesight, I brushed it off because he’d already told me too many times how cool it would be to have glasses (and he really did say it with an italicized cool). I thought his so-called blurry vision was just a ploy to be cool.
    1. But then last week the school nurse sent a note home that said he needed glasses.
    2. And the eye doctor concurred. “He has 20/100 eyesight. He needs glasses,” the doctor said.
    3. Cool,” replied my son.
    4. So he gets to look ever-so-cool in glasses now. And he’s going to like it, whether he likes it or not.

So as you can see, I’m probably one of the best moms on the planet.
Thank you for your consideration for this esteemed award,

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