Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Long Winded Road to Becoming a Part-Time Vegetarian


I’m no Rachael Ray, but I can whip up a tasty meal. Most of the time.

Back when I lived in the Rocky Mountains, I made my fair share of gourmet frozen chicken pizza, and frozen chicken fried steak, and frozen chicken cordon blue. Of course, that was when I had a house with a big kitchen and central air conditioning. And a normal sized oven.

We made our big move to The South in the first week in August. When we arrived at our apartment and stepped out of the car, someone threw a bucket of sweat all over us. I didn’t get to see who it was because we were blinded by the perspiration dripping into our eyes. It was so hot, we were about to die. A pile of western people, hard-boiled in the humidity. I could see the headlines flashing before my eyes.

Our big move gave me the unique opportunity of cooking in an Easy Bake Oven. Actually, that’s an insult to Easy Bake Ovens. The apartment featured a quaint (that’s the Southern word for “small”) antique (Southern for “old”) gas oven.

My cookie sheet was lucky it didn’t have to lose any weight to squeeze itself into the Easy Bake Oven. It fit like a glove. A spandex glove.

Pilot Light Man came and lit our Easy Bake Oven, and instantly I wanted to call him back and insist he turn it off again. It had to be a trick, because that was not an oven. It was a heater. Cooking in the middle of the kitchen. In the middle of the Summer. All. The. Time.

Which is how I became a part-time vegetarian.

It’s hard to read recipes when you can’t see past the waterfall of sweat flowing over your eyelashes, due to the Easy Bake Heater in the middle of the kitchen. And my family didn’t appreciate the extra salt (Southern for “sweat”) in their gourmet frozen chicken potpies.

So instead, we ate things like raw cookies (which is different than raw cookie dough), raw bean tacos (which is different than raw Taco Bell tacos), and crazy gazpachos (which is different than a crazy muchacho). And my kids even asked for more.

Watch out Rachael Ray. Maybe these new-fangled cooking experiences will help me get my own cooking show one of these days. I can see it now:

Part-Time Vegetarianism with an Easy Bake Oven

Sounds like a hit.

4 comments:

  1. Welcome to the South. Women look sexier when they sweat. Think Ashley Judd in Time to Kill. I love to sweat in summer then weigh myself. Sad but true. It can't be that hot wherever you are right now.

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  2. Thanks Jamie, I agree, some women look better in sweat. I didn't get those genes, I guess. I just look wet :) I was thinking about those hot days to warm me up this morning!

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  3. Wow. Sounds awesome. Yes, we often cook this way in the summer when the humidity is at 500%. Drinking air, I tell you!

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  4. It's true, Liesl, that's what we drank for dinner every night!

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