Wednesday, April 11, 2012

An Apology to Anyone Who will See My Knees


I've been known to wear shorts on occasion. Like, every summer. And spring. And sometimes even in the fall, if it stays warm long enough. I've flashed my knee caps around town too many times to count.

Nobody ever said anything to me about it. But I'm sure it embarrassed everyone, because, according to Forever 21's online catalog, knee caps are inappropriate. They erased many of them. Just wiped them off the page. And I trust everything I see in the media. Why would they Photoshop knees out of the picture? Obviously it's because we weren't meant to have them!

Getting rid of my knee caps is now one more thing on my growing list of Things To Do To Be Beautiful. 

First, Ralph Lauren told me I need to get rid of my rib cage and all of my internal organs, so my shirts will fit better. Then the Makeup Pushers and Dealers told me I need to get rid of my pores, so my face will look as smooth as a plastic baby's bum.

This is hard, because I was born with knee caps, internal organs, ribs, and pores. I also have little hairs growing on my arms and legs. I shave them off and pretend I don't have any, but they just grow back the next day.

After a desperate search of the Yellow Pages, I can't seem to find a good drive-through surgeon who removes knee caps, internal organs, ribs, pores, and body hair, so I can look decent at the pool later today.

Oh well. I guess I'll just have to go swimming with my body the way it is. Looking like myself. Internal organs and all.

But I apologize in advance to anyone who is embarrassed by my knee caps.

6 comments:

  1. Haha! Amazing post! Didn't you know that the 'unnatural' look is in? I didn't realise it had gone as far as knees though, I'd better start saving up to get mine removed! :)

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  2. Let me know if your doctor also removes internal organs!

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  3. Hahahahaha this made me laugh so hard! It is rather ridiculous, our media's standard of beauty....I mean seriously, no matter how many face creams and washes I use, my skin will never look like that.

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    1. It's scary how subtle it can be, so that we eventually believe it, too.

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  4. Deeeelightful. I'm going to send a link to everyone I know:-)

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