- If you think you hear trouble in your neighborhood at midnight, it’s a good idea to call the police and point them in the direction of the neighbors who have been in a deep, deep sleep for several hours. This sleep must be as deep as Lake Baikal (which happens to be the deepest lake in the world—I looked it up on Wikipedia, so it must be true.).
- The most obvious Perp for yelling and breaking things in the middle of the night would be the man next door who is always as mellow as Yo-Yo Ma playing a lullaby on a cello. It doesn't matter that the Perp (aka: my husband) never gets upset about anything. I can be as annoying as Yo-Yo Ma scratching his fingernails down the strings of a cello, but the Perp always just shrugs and moves on. This makes him a total suspect.
- If you’re going to call the police, it needs to be on a southern night so hot and humid even the alligators are sweating. The neighbor's old window air conditioner will blast all that swampy air right onto their heads as they dream of cool Lake Baikal. The AC unit will be so deafening, they won’t hear the police pounding on the front door, which will make the police even nicer to the Perps when they finally peek outside to see what the ruckus is about. This leads to number 4.
- Make sure your neighbor (aka: me) is wearing his/her fluffy blue hand-me-down Tinker Bell bathrobe when he/she opens the door to face the police spotlight. Nothing says “Perp” like a fluffly blue hand-me-down Tinker Bell Bathrobe.
- If the neighbors (aka: Perps) happen to be moving to a new home in a week or so, it’s even better. Then the police can finagle their way through a maze of boxes, and flash their lights over all sorts of doohickies that normally wouldn’t be laying around.
- A school night is the best time to call the police at midnight, especially if they can come in with flashlights and wake up all of the kids to find out if the Perps (aka: mom and dad) had been fighting. The kids will then be too traumatized to go back to their deep Lake Baikal sleep. Except for the first grader. He will snooze through everything, and be disappointed in the morning when he hears about all the excitement he missed.
- Encourage the Perps’ children to tell their teachers the next day about how the police came to their house in the middle of the night due to fighting. Make sure the kids know to not actually tell their teachers it had all been a big mistake, because teachers don’t have enough to worry about and it will be good for everyone involved.
If you follow these easy steps, your neighborhood will soon be free of all those pesky Perps. They will all pack up and move away to Lake Baikal so everyone can get more sleep.
Because us Perps are nice like that.