Thursday, October 18, 2012

When you move to a new apartment



When you pack for a move to a new apartment, you’ll realize how much stuff you really have.

When you realize how much stuff you really have, you’ll want to get rid of everything except the beds.

When your husband hears that you want to get rid of everything except the beds, he’ll put a stop to that craziness because apparently a family needs stuff like clothes and dishes and things like that.

When your husband puts a stop to that craziness, you’ll start packing and discover a surplus of universes being formed in dust balls under the dressers.

When you discover the surplus of universes being formed, you’ll sneeze.

When you sneeze, your eyes will itch, and you’ll go searching for your snorkel mask, to keep the dust universes from tickling your nose.

When you search for the snorkel mask, you’ll remember you already packed it, and it’s at the bottom of a precarious pile of boxes.

When you remember that you already packed it, and it’s at the bottom of a precarious pile of boxes, you’ll search for a tissue to sneeze into.

When you search for the box of tissues, you’ll remember that you already packed it, and it’s at the bottom of a precarious pile of boxes.

So you’ll continue packing while giving yourself whiplash from all that sneezing, until dinner time. Then you’ll go into the kitchen to make some gourmet grub.

When you go into the kitchen to make some gourmet grub, you’ll remember that half of your food and most of your kitchen utensils have already been packed, and they’re at the bottom of a precarious pile of boxes. So you’ll order pizza.

When you’re done eating the pizza, and packing the boxes, and moving the boxes to your new apartment, you remember that you now get to deep-clean your old apartment.

When you deep-clean your old apartment, you’ll blubber and bewail and boohoo, too, because you know that the new apartment isn’t going to as clean as you're old apartment, but you can’t leave the old apartment messy because that would reflect on your own upbringing, and what kind of a person leaves an apartment dirty anyway? And also, you don't want the old apartment people to charge you extra for anything.

When you finish blubbering and scrubbing, you’ll move into your new apartment.

When you move into your new apartment, you’ll stare at all of those boxes that need to be unpacked and realize how much stuff you really have.

When you realize how much stuff you really have, you’ll want to get rid of everything except the beds.

And lucky for you, it’s now all conveniently packed up for Goodwill to come and get it.

1 comment:

  1. Moving is possibly my least favorite of all activities. It's awful! But I hope you enjoy your new place! And I hope the previous owners left it as clean as you left the old apartment!

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